you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
