When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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