mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
