I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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