I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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