i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
