I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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