I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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