i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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