My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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