So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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