when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize