I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
