I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
false alarm. still invincible.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
