woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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