Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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