Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
