Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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