Already got asked if we're dating
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i believe in u and ur pee
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
