he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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