You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
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Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
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My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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