He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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