Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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