Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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