I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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