I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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