No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
