some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
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Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
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I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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