He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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