I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
