I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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