Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
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So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
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Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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