We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
