Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
