pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
