he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
