Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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