You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
