i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
