I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
