Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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