I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
