I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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