i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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