I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize