508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
