The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
