Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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