he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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