you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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