Is it normal to miss your booty call?
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
