it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
