you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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