he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
