My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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