I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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