How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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