Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
this is an emotional support booty call
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm gonna fight the coyote
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
